Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
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She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
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Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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