Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
