I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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