Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
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Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
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Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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