Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
