my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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