my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
