I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
