Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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