im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
