Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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