Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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