I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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