Welp...herpes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
