she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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