My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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