I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
