Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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