TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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