dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"