Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
