you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
