i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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