Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
