oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
