bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
