Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
