Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
