Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
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Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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