sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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