i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
