I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
