Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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