I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
