I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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