i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
