I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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