my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
