I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
