He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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