Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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