the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
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Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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