You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
