New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
