just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
