The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
