what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
