I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
