now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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