There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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