when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
