I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
