Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We were destined to go to rehab together
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
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