I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
