Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
