fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
